Before I enter into this adventure with my Lord Jesus, I need to enter into the quiet and stillness of my heart and listen to the Holy Spirit– I cannot begin this with any other pursuit and desire than to surrender this journey whole heartedly to the one who called me here in the first place. I want to surrender the silly pressure I feel as I type out my first entry… ha. I want to surrender where this takes me through this next season of life and, God willing, beyond. How I ended up here tonight is not an accident, neither is it of my own doing. I cannot take the credit for anything that is laid out here on this blog. Not now, and not ever.
This semester I met a woman who has inspired me more with her incredibly gifted and beautiful writing from her heart. Her book One Thousand Gifts has opened my eyes to the art of thankfulness. I do not claim to be an expert, and probably would hesitate to even consider it strength of mine…but I am learning everyday. Reading Ann Voskamp’s blog everyday has ministered to my heart so much. At some point I will share details of how I ended up here… mostly so I don’t forget and so I can trust that I was called here and fight the feelings of insecurity.
Ann’s writing says what is truly on my heart…
“I desire as I walk with the Lord into this that I will live bare on a screen, knowing that it will hurt and be terrifying. I do not want this to be about me and glory- but about sacrifice and come lay down and die.”
Entering into the discipline of asking myself “how is this blog not about me, but about taking me lower? How is it about making me humble? How is it not about me but about Christ?”
“And we blog as sacrificed servants who, like our Lord and Saviour, expose our own wounds, lay our real hearts out naked, and be vulnerable and humble and willing to be made an offering…the only way up is down and there is no other way to be great and this is always the call of Christ in our life, to come and die and this is always our vocation, to be a servant.“
There are many reasons why this whole blogging adventure makes me nervous. For one, I in no way feel that I am a gifted writer. One of the battles I will face head on in this will be pride. I’m sure there will be many times when I stubbornly sit and wait for the “perfect” words to come to mind, rather than it being a genuine Spirit-led heart-flow. If I really thought people would invest in readng this, I would apologize in advance for all of my spelling errors that will come. But eh, at least for the time being, my audience consists of one.
“You need not be a gifted writer– you only need to make your words a gift. To Him.”
Another reason is fear…fear of being vulnerable of my weaknesses and faults. Fear also of having nothing worth hearing…that my rambling of myself would get in the way of the Lord’s due glory. I never want this to be about me. I never want to be fake, sugar-coat, or put on a mask. I never want to be the obstacle in the way of the Lord fulfilling His perfect will, not only in me, but in my sphere of influence. This step of faith in typing even these words is a true act of obedience and trust. The Lord has called me here, I believe that SO deeply. What He is doing in my life is significant… and I need to continually trust Him that this is a part of His glory story in my life.
“Carving the words out of wood. Like the way lovers carve their name into a tree. And this is what you do as a writer, you cut words out of your breast, and you sacrifice bits of yourself and like the Word of God who carved our names into the flesh of His hands to save the lost, you write-carve out of the tender places of your life to show the lost the way to Him. Pluck. Sacrifice. Carve. Write!”
I do not want this to be just a summary of other women’s words. I value the wisdom and pouring out of hearts from women more than the average. My lack of my own mother leaves me thirsting and craving any womanly insight. I am encouraged, challenged, spurred on and ministered to through the words of ladies like Ann Voskamp. I need her story. I need my story. I need it written and expressed so that I will be convinced of the faithfulness of God. I need assurance.
One last thing…(until next time)…
…the rocks crying out
and you cry it out too, stammering it, stumbling it
into every willing ear
that you opened your eyes one day and ran right into Him
and He ravishes and He kisses wounds and He serenades
and Beauty has branded you,
marked you with awe
and awe is why you grab the keyboard and make the record,
and He who is Beauty is why you carve it down late, day after day
and He makes the pulse race and He brushes the tear clear and He cups the life tender
and He is why you hurtle over the high fear
and disparaging words can’t keep you and splaying shortcomings can’t keep you and illness, piles of work, constant to-do lists can’t keep you,
and He is your blaze and He is your burn and you cannot be muzzled because what can separate from the telling once the eyes have seen?
Because what could be greater than
the bearing witness
to the sighting
of God?
Your stories bear witness. Please carve a thousand.“
Oh Jesus,
Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for laying this adventure so heavy on my heart after I had asked for one. Thanks for constantly inspiring me to begin this…and I confess my stubbornness in waiting one more day. But I am here! And so thankful. May this be a testament to Your faithfulness in my life. Strip me of myself and my selfish desires. Teach me, and use this as You will!! Ahhh thank you!
Kneeprints 