Jan Marshall

This morning I woke up to a text from my college minister telling me she was praying for me…I was slightly confused but it didn’t take but a minute for me to remember that today is Mothers day. Before I even woke up, God wanted me to know I was loved and being prayed for… He is so sweet.

Before I walked out the door to go to church on this incredibly beautiful Sunday morning, I received four more messages of prayers and comfort. I was in good spirits but grabbed a couple tissues for my purse in case the emotions decided to hit during church. I was relieved when the sermon was focused all around the life and ministry of Christ. I love how excited Jesus makes me…and not just “Sunday-morning, everyone else is doing it excited” but genuinely in my heart giddy about my Savior! Jesus was all that it was about, and I was so, so thankful. And in God’s humor, I happened to give away my tissues to two friends who were in need of them. haha, love it. I loved being able to give hugs to two women today at church that have poured into me these past few years. My best friend’s mom and my college minister. Earlier as I was walking to the library, I started to name all of the women that the Lord has given me…and how much they have loved me as their own daughter. Completely overwhelmed. The Lord gives and takes away… I don’t know that I will ever understand why God decided my mom was finished here on earth so early…but where He has taken away, He has provided SO abundantly. I am so incredibly thankful for every woman that has ever shared her heart with me, or prayed for me or even just hugged me once.

Lunch with a dear friend after church…she asked the question “Was your mom a believer?”
“Yes.” I replied, with a small smile.
I hesitated to expound…knowing emotions would start flowin’…
“The summer that I worked at Kanakuk (summer after mom died), I was sitting at the bottom of the hill with all the kids as we waited for the crowd of parents to walk down and pick up their campers to go home. All of a sudden, a lady comes sprinting like a mad-woman down the hill, yelling her daughter’s name and searching in an excited frantic for her. Her daughter then heard her mom’s voice and immediately stood up and ran at full speed into her mother’s arms. Her mom hugged her so tightly and spun her around in the air while they both squealed in incredible excitement. That happened right in front of my face, and it was excruciatingly painful… my co-counselor ran over to me and held me while I cried. Then, the Lord’s sweet, sweet whisper told me that that is exactly how it will be for me one day! Then I started crying even harder because of the beautiful picture the Lord had put right in front of my face of my one-day reunion with my mom…”
By this time at lunch, both my friend and I were blubbering. Oh, how I love being a girl! But it truly is the most wonderful revelation I may have ever received in my life. Had that not happened, I feel that I may be tempted to doubt my mom’s salvation…Praise God, I have NO doubts that we will one day be reunited and have the opportunity to have the relationship that never had a chance to bloom here.

I want to remember my mom today, and celebrate her life.

My wonderful Aunt wrote a beautiful euolgy for my mom that I dig out to read every now and then…

“…it was obvious that Jan began her life with incredible promise. She was a bright and shining little girl who danced, loved reading, and breezed through school. She and her mom were the best of friends, and everything seemed to come effortlessly to her during her first eighteen years of life. And, of course, she went on to graduate magna cum laude from the University of Colorado with a CPA certificate following shortly thereafter…

Mom wasn’t a Razorback (her brother and dad were), but I love that she is wearing an Arkansas shirt in this picture!

 

“How beautiful and glowing she looked on their wedding day! She reveled in her life as a young bride, and she displayed a generous spirit and gave cheerfully to needy people, senior citizens, and animal rescue organizations. When she was blessed with the births of their two beautiful daughters, Amanda and Barbara, the rich, full life she had always dreamed of was now in her possession. She was an adoring mother whose delight in her daughters became a daily joy.”

It is beyond comprehension that she is even more beautiful now as the Bride of Christ than she is in this picture! Amazing!

This picture of mom on her wedding day brought me to weeping tears as I scanned it on my computer…for many reasons… she is the absolute most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen… it hurts deeply that she will not be there for my wedding day…

“Why her little dream world faded so quickly, only God knows. The demons that began to control her simply overwhelmed her in the end. It is useless to wonder why or to focus only on her failures. Rather, let us be mindful of the real Jan– the intelligent, loving little girl and little sister; the achieving young woman; and the adoring mother to her two little girls.”

Mom loved to fish. I rarely have the opportunity, but when I do I feel like I’m close to her.

“Amanda and Barbara, try to carry only the best of your mother in your hearts. She loved you more than you can ever know. We are all aware that she was altogether human and deeply flawed. She made terrible choices that she paid for dearly. But there is no question that you two were her dreams come true. As you make your way through life, she will always be a part of you, and nothing would have made her happier than to have seen you two become strong young women whose lives are filled with love and joy. If you two love well and live according to God’s instruction, you will have kept alive the best that your mother had to offer you and the world.”

Just before the one year anniversary of her death, I received an unexpected letter in the mail from my incredible father. He began by encouraging me in the way I’ve walked through the pain of the past year…how he’s watched me walk with grace forward, instead of wallowing in my pain… “Your mom was like that too, until her disease took over. As you continue to shape your identity, know that your mom always smiled- as you do, she was very intelligent- as you are, she lived to bless others- as you do…and she loved younger people, just like you…your mom lives in your heart, and you know her even now, though you couldn’t be with her enough…”

My biggest fear in continuing to walk forward in life is leaving behind my mom… It terrifies me to think that the memories I have now are the only ones that I will have for the rest of my life…What if I forget? What if the sound of her laugh fades? Please Jesus..give me a freshness. That letter from my dad means so much to me. It’s easy to only remember the part of my mom that was addicted to alcohol and all that comes with that…but to know that she is a part of me…I am like her..and it’s good! I love that more than anything.

So much more could be said… I got on my knees today at church and asked God to tell her hi and that I loved her. Thankful for today…to have the time to slow down and feel the void in my heart…to feel the pain and sadness knowing that this life is but a fleeting breath. My mom is free…she is worshipping Jesus in a healed and perfect body. She is no longer in chains to the alcohol or any other scheme of Satan. Sometimes when I worship through song, I can hear her singing with me. I cannot wait to sing with her in heaven forever!

Love you Mom!

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you.” Isaiah 66:2